thank you for the light

this is the darkest hour of the night
no matter, where i am, what i do – even on ozora and sun festivals, drunken by the atmosphere, (de)lighted by 14 hours work, not thinking of what i’d left behind, being deeply in love – the end comes. the sky falls. monsters attack.
the time is frozen in blackness, sounds passing without echoing, breath catches inside. the memory is so vivid, i can see it even with my eyes closed – the whole world is dreaming, it’s only me sitting on the edge of nothing, waiting for the sun. waiting… is this what i really do? never had the courage to try anything else. maybe this is the time of magic, this is the hour when i could turn the time wherever i want to, this is the moment to set the whole world on fire, but no… it must be over and it must be very, very silent. i’m afraid i’m just going to die if i move, so i just sit without a sigh. no one can save me if i make a mistake. no one.. no one’s here, i’m hearing myself saying, so i really can do whatever i want, nobody can see me now!
breaking my cage, i walk to the open field, lift my face up to the sky, and finally, in the corner of my burning eye, i can see the sun. god is calling me… ‘you’re not alone… even when you see only one pair of footsteps, you have to know i’m here. on the most dangerous roads, i was carrying you in my arms’



csak egy átlagos, esti műszak előtti, uzsonnázós beszélgetés
említette, hogy benézett a lenti edzőterembe, miután a cimborájával a téren voltak.
– spud állandóan azt ecseteli, mit meg mennyit kell enni, mi hogyan szívódik fel, meg fehérje, meg tápanyagok, meg gyulladáscsökkentő meg ilyenek
– de ez fontos, te is tudod, egy csomóan vannak, akik nem ehetnek mindent
-ja, neki is tejallergiája van, ami öröklődik, de azt mondta, mióta gyúr, meg odafigyel magára, azóta nem szed gyógyszert sem, két éve
– látod, eldöntötte, hogy nem akar beteg lenni (itt már gonoszul nézett rám a tányérja fölött, felkészülhettem volna rá, hogy valami történni fog)
– jaja, értem én, de akkor is, állandóan jön a tápanyagokkal meg hogy nem szabad cukrot enni, barnát sem… akkor fölvetettem neki, hogy talán nem ilyeneket kéne olvasnia, hanem mondjuk romantikus női regényeket vagy klasszikus orosz irodalmat…

ekkortájt történt, hogy a hűtőre ragasztott jegyzetfüzeten megjelent: “Danó itt járt, és nyitogatta a hűtőt”

this is not for you, this is for me

this helps me to understand. but as everything else, i must find out by myself (just as i used to). how to keep on going, breathing, talking, sensing, building the road for myself… how to save my good senses and not to let it drawn me, not to give myself away (for nothing).

this life is beautiful, i can hear its sound everyday, smell it in the air, even touch it with my fingers. i love this life i received, love its incompleteness, its colors, its taste. it’s not a question anymore – i don’t know how long it takes but i won’t let it go.

there’s just one thing: my poor little silly heart, trying to ruin everything, claiming for more even when i already have everything… and my tired mind, listening to all the claims, fearing from the pain, is ready to follow the orders of my heart.

so, let’s see it again: it’s not about love, it’s about being selfish. it’s not about happiness, it’s about avoiding pain. it’s not about being smart and nice, it’s just me, the way i am, no mysteries, no unseen scenes, no untold words – you got everything of me, don’t expect for more, i have nothing to give (well, i have my flesh and blood, take it, if you want, that’s really all)

it’s not about you, it’s about me

I’m still the center of my universe and i choose ver carefully who to let inside. no one is allowed to move a single brick on the way. and, if i cry, no one is allowed to dry my tears. you wanted to come in, now pay the price.

i should focus… focus on my work, on my everyday life… wait, but i have a life everyday!

he says he would change his life for me if… dear, you’re so cute, so honest, so fragile… and already wounded…

who did this to you? who made you so insecure so that you have to use all your energy to seem self-confident instead of just being happy? why do you have to try to escape from simple things like playing with the kids or reading a book (and just reading, no, i know it’s not possible) or enjoying your free time? really, there always should be something more, something to spoil happiness?

i tried very hard. tried to thinnk of all the bad things, loneliness, crying, longing for impossible, living in a cage, telling lies, starving, constantly hurting myself and all the ones i love. i tried to run away from this world but it found me.

so i decided to be free. and happy. this is for me

just because

i know what’s right and i know what’s wrong but that doesn’t mean i’m always doing the right things.

i know i should keep on moving, take it easy, have all the common phrases to avoid explanation. But i choose to face all of it, whatever comes into my life. i’m solid as a rock, i’ve nothing to fear of. by the way, fear is one of the feelings i can’t let myself to feel ‘cos it makes me weak and forces me to lie. i love being myself (except when the migraine comes to kick me in the ass), i don’t need to change or pretend to be someone else. this is me – if you like me, good for you then, take me with you in your pocket. but if you want something else, well, that’s not my business. you can’t make me move but neither can i. maybe we can meet halfway… i used to like this phrase but now it’s different. i know the wheels of life will turn me where i really have to go – and there’s no efforts to be done. so i can use my energies for all other things…

lying in the sun, staring at the mighty blue sky

singing on the bicycle road

not wearing make-up (try it, just one time…)

holding you close to me so i can feel your heart beating

sitting naked by the table, drinking tea

hoping for the best

but i know i’m a warrior so i keep my senses sharpened, just in case


2015. július
h K s c p s v

“Nem énekelek, inkább sírok!”

...hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason...